Joyful and Peaceful Holidays

This Holiday Season Control Your Anger and Stress.



Holiday Season is upon us. For many of us, that means higher stress levels. There are obligations to family and friends. There may be travel plans on your calendar and all sorts of changes in your routine. Add the current financial crisis to the mix and even those with the most easygoing temperaments might have some trouble keeping their cool.

Here are some ideas that will help.

1. Be proactive in your self care. Plan ahead so you don’t have to scramble around. Get plenty of rest and exercise. Plan breaks, recreation, workouts, meditation and alone time. You get to enjoy the holidays too!

2. Practice tolerance. Make a decision to “not get into” the same old differences that can spark conflict amongst family and friends

3. Stay out of as many stores as you can. Need I say more?

4. Reduce your shopping list. Overspending is just going to increase your stress.

5. Order online. You don’t have to deal with crowds or lines and you can be comfortable while you shop.

6. Give donations to charities instead of more “things” to people that really don’t need them.

7. Limit your exposure to the news. It will keep you scared and make you overlook all the things that are actually going alright.

8. Go back to basics. What is important is enjoying the holidays. Spending quality time with people doesn’t have to cost a dime or be complicated. Time spent at the park, having a cookie baking party or getting together for a dvd party might be worth a lot more than giving someone another sweater they will never wear.

9. Don’t get obsessed with making the holidays perfect. There’s a lot to be said for having “nice” holidays.

Happiest Holiday’s to You and Yours!

Which Intentions Steer Your Relationship

Bob and Linda came to me for help with their relationship. “Here is the problem. We have stopped arguing all the time, but we’ve also stopped talking; really talking.” For the last few months, their intention was to avoid fighting. They had done this well. Therapy was helping them

Over the previous months, this couple had worked hard with me in counseling to learn the skills that they needed to put on the brakes when they were headed for a crash. They no longer yelled at each other, they no longer bickered. They knew when they were on their way toward trouble and they have become very good at avoiding it.

The couple had a very common relationship obstacle. The problem was that that was that all they could do was “not fight”. A key skill was missing from their relationship. They were missing the ability to repair their bond and this missing capacity was creating a disconnection between them.

Every couple will have moments of friction. There will be squabbles, disagreements, and misunderstandings. What makes certain relationships successful is that each person has the “right intention”. Even though each partner is frustrated or hurt, they still treat the other person as if they are valuable and important. They seek to understand their partner.

What to do? Contemplate your intention. If you have a similar problem with your partner, it’s likely that there has been an ongoing pattern of attack and defense. One good starting place for building a stronger, closer relationship is by reflecting on your role and your goal. Ask yourself the following question, “Am I curious about and accepting of my partner’s experience in this relationship?” If the answer is no, you have some personal work to do.

As a therapist, I have noticed something with the couples that I have helped. As their relationship becomes healthy and stronger, they become more curious and accepting of each other. Their intention shifts from a negative one to a positive one. They stop discussing things while holding any of the following destructive agendas. They are not talking just to vent. They are not trying to change their partner. They are not correcting them. They are not punishing them. What they are doing is inquiring about their mate’s emotional experience and attending to that.

The good news is that these are skills that can be learned. You can learn to ask you partner about their thoughts and feelings in ways that make them likely to confide in you. You can try to understand how your partner is viewing things and what things mean to them. Most importantly, you can learn to deeply consider your partner and his or her needs.

How do we know if anger is a problem or not?

Tina (not her real name) sat down on the sofa in my office. "Something has really been on my mind lately. I know I feel pretty mad sometimes, but I don't think it's a problem." I asked her to tell me more. She continued. "Everyone has told me for years that I should do something about my anger, but I never really listened to them. I didn't even consider it because I just thought they were wrong. But now I'm wondering. Do you think I have anger management problems?"

The question that Tina asked is a surprisingly common one. After years of running anger management groups I've come to realize that often the habitually angry person is the last person to even consider that they "have an anger problem". Sometimes clients join my workshops, or come to individual counseling and are unsure about whether they really have a problem or not. They are unsure of what that means.

Why does this happen? I think there are several reasons. First, many people tell me that they considered doing something about their chronic frustration, but felt too embarrassed. This is often made worse when, as if it were a weapon, friends and family members hurl at them the suggestion that they seek some help . Second, people with chronic anger can tend to blame others for their feelings. They don't really consider their reaction as the problem. Third, they try to figure out if they are "normal". They think of the worst offenders and say "I'm not like that, so it mustn't really be an issue".

That being said, how did I respond to Tina? What tools could I give her to help her decide? "I encourage you to think about three things. Frequency, impact and intensity. If you are getting angry too often, if you are harming your relationships or your career, or if you find yourself reacting too strongly to things that really don't mean much in the big picture, then you might start thinking about changing it. "

Getting mad and frustrated can become a habit. Just like any habit, it can "go on automatic pilot". This is especially true if we grew up in families where the habit was fostered. The habit can go on for years and we can be unsure about what it is costing us. The fortunate thing is, we live in a time and a place where there a plenty of resources to help us learn, grow and break old habits once and for all.

Why You Should Use Your Words

Have you ever spent time around young children? If so, then you have probably also seen them get upset, have tantrums and become overwhelmed by emotion. When this happens you may have heard their adult caretakers extol them to "use your words". It's a common expression that is used by parents, teachers and babysitters.

This article explains how "using your words" actually produces observable changes in the brain. See! Talking about your feelings helps! Read more here.

"I just freeze when I have to ask for something I really, really want"

Alice (not her real name) said this to me in the middle of a psychotherapy session. It was shocking to hear this because this woman is known for her ability to say what is on her mind. In fact, I would bet good money that her friends and colleagues view her as a force to be reckoned with. In her profession, she is known as both a formidable opponent and a highly capable team member. At this point in her treatment, she was working on getting over feelings of chronic anger and frustration.

She continued to speak. "I can threaten, I can lecture, I can make sarcastic comments, but I just can't tell him what is really on my mind." She continued on to describe that it felt too frightening and embarrassing to tell her partner that she wanted him to stop joking about a subject that was sensitive to her.

Why was this? It felt too vulnerable and frightening for her to be calm and direct about the subject. When she entertained the thought of speaking to her partner calmly, she felt embarrassed and anxious.

This is a pattern that I have observed countless times. Men and women who struggle with "the anger habit" often have a very vulnerable side to their personalities. Sometimes this side is well hidden from both themselves and from the important people in their lives. In fact, anger is often a front for deeper feelings of hurt, fear, or shame.

What can help? Understanding what is going on helps. Planning out what you are going to say helps. Speaking simply helps. Practice helps. Having the support of someone who is dedicated to your growth and you well being helps. Being compassionate and patient with yourself helps too. Remember the basic frame work for any request is "would you_____" or "could you_____". If you want, you can also explain to them why what your asking for is important to you.

Anger is Contagious

This thought provoking post explains the effects of being around angry people. Nice overview of the brain and emotions.

This Simple Tool Can Make Habit Change More Successful

My counseling and therapy clients have heard me say this over and over. "Keep a written record when you are trying to change your habit and you will be much more successful". I urge clients to keep records when changing all sorts of inner and outer habits. It's very clear to me that those in my clinical practice who track their habits by recording them in writing tend to have much better therapy outcomes then those who don't. This technique benefits clients who are habitually angry, anxious, worried, depressed, as well as clients who struggle with so called "bad habits" like drinking, smoking, overspending etc.

For example, in my groups we use "anger diaries" as one of our main tools for doing what I call "breaking the anger habit. I have designed these diaries to collect certain pieces of information that are very helpful to track when you are changing chronic irritability, frustration and anger. These diaries help to systematically build awareness. This is important because it is our brain's tendency to go on "auto" that keeps any habit in place.

For example, you may have seen in this weeks news the coverage about dieting, weight loss and recording food intake. If not, here is a link

How Therapy Changes Your Brain

There is an interesting article about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the May 2008 edition of Psychiatry News. It describes the findings of a recent study that was performed at UC San Diego. Researchers reviewed P.E.T. scans comparing the brain functioning of a group of patients who had undergone intensive cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) treatment for obsessive compulsive disorder. Scientist found that there were notable structural changes in the brain functioning of the patient who received intensive cbt as compared to the control group who received none. These changed were evident in as little as four weeks. In the article, they describe changes in the thalamus and the frontal cortex, two regions that are involved in the regulation of negative emotion.

Find out more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in San Francisco and San Mateo.

This current workplace trend could be making you less effective and maybe more angry!

Today's Consumer's Reports has an article about multi-tasking and it's detrimental effects on performance. The article states that research done by the Federal Aviation Administration indicates that whn you multi-task, it take two to four times the amount of time required to complete that task. This is pretty interesting given that many job applicants seeking employment in the typical high- octane Bay Area workplace will feature this quality on their resume!

In my counseling and psychotherapy practice I specialize in teaching people the key skills they need to manage their anger. Probably most of my clients would describe themselves as "high achievers who are excellent multi-taskers. So here is my tip of the day; if you want to become more effective and more calm, do one thing at a time! This simple and effective practice has the potential to dramatically cut your stress level. So, when you're typing a report, turn off your Blackberry! When you are talking on the phone, close or minimize your e-mail program. Next time you are driving down the freeway, turn off your cell. You may be suprised how better this make you feel, how many fewer mistakes you make, and how this lowers your stress level.

If you'd like more free tips on managing anger, anxiety, and depression visit my San Francisco and San Mateo Counseling website.

"A Hostile Heart is a Vulnerable Heart"

This article explains the research indicating that chronic intense anger increases your risk of heart disease and stroke dramatically. I love the subheading. "A Hostile Heart is a Vulnerable Heart."
http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/2006/09.21/01-anger.html

For those of you who are interested, here is a fascinating article on anger in the Irish workplace. It seems that U.S. workers are not the only ones who are having trouble keeping their cool. The article stunned me when it stated that a recent survey found that 68 percent of the respondents described yelling and verbal abuse to be a "common practice" in the office. And I thought that the stories I hear from the San Francisco Bay Area were extreme! You can read the entire article here:

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/are-you-a-good-anger-manager-1341225.html