Alice (not her real name) said this to me in the middle of a psychotherapy session. It was shocking to hear this because this woman is known for her ability to say what is on her mind. In fact, I would bet good money that her friends and colleagues view her as a force to be reckoned with. In her profession, she is known as both a formidable opponent and a highly capable team member. At this point in her treatment, she was working on getting over feelings of chronic anger and frustration.
She continued to speak. "I can threaten, I can lecture, I can make sarcastic comments, but I just can't tell him what is really on my mind." She continued on to describe that it felt too frightening and embarrassing to tell her partner that she wanted him to stop joking about a subject that was sensitive to her.
Why was this? It felt too vulnerable and frightening for her to be calm and direct about the subject. When she entertained the thought of speaking to her partner calmly, she felt embarrassed and anxious.
This is a pattern that I have observed countless times. Men and women who struggle with "the anger habit" often have a very vulnerable side to their personalities. Sometimes this side is well hidden from both themselves and from the important people in their lives. In fact, anger is often a front for deeper feelings of hurt, fear, or shame.
What can help? Understanding what is going on helps. Planning out what you are going to say helps. Speaking simply helps. Practice helps. Having the support of someone who is dedicated to your growth and you well being helps. Being compassionate and patient with yourself helps too. Remember the basic frame work for any request is "would you_____" or "could you_____". If you want, you can also explain to them why what your asking for is important to you.
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