How do we know if anger is a problem or not?

Tina (not her real name) sat down on the sofa in my office. "Something has really been on my mind lately. I know I feel pretty mad sometimes, but I don't think it's a problem." I asked her to tell me more. She continued. "Everyone has told me for years that I should do something about my anger, but I never really listened to them. I didn't even consider it because I just thought they were wrong. But now I'm wondering. Do you think I have anger management problems?"

The question that Tina asked is a surprisingly common one. After years of running anger management groups I've come to realize that often the habitually angry person is the last person to even consider that they "have an anger problem". Sometimes clients join my workshops, or come to individual counseling and are unsure about whether they really have a problem or not. They are unsure of what that means.

Why does this happen? I think there are several reasons. First, many people tell me that they considered doing something about their chronic frustration, but felt too embarrassed. This is often made worse when, as if it were a weapon, friends and family members hurl at them the suggestion that they seek some help . Second, people with chronic anger can tend to blame others for their feelings. They don't really consider their reaction as the problem. Third, they try to figure out if they are "normal". They think of the worst offenders and say "I'm not like that, so it mustn't really be an issue".

That being said, how did I respond to Tina? What tools could I give her to help her decide? "I encourage you to think about three things. Frequency, impact and intensity. If you are getting angry too often, if you are harming your relationships or your career, or if you find yourself reacting too strongly to things that really don't mean much in the big picture, then you might start thinking about changing it. "

Getting mad and frustrated can become a habit. Just like any habit, it can "go on automatic pilot". This is especially true if we grew up in families where the habit was fostered. The habit can go on for years and we can be unsure about what it is costing us. The fortunate thing is, we live in a time and a place where there a plenty of resources to help us learn, grow and break old habits once and for all.