"I just freeze when I have to ask for something I really, really want"

Alice (not her real name) said this to me in the middle of a psychotherapy session. It was shocking to hear this because this woman is known for her ability to say what is on her mind. In fact, I would bet good money that her friends and colleagues view her as a force to be reckoned with. In her profession, she is known as both a formidable opponent and a highly capable team member. At this point in her treatment, she was working on getting over feelings of chronic anger and frustration.

She continued to speak. "I can threaten, I can lecture, I can make sarcastic comments, but I just can't tell him what is really on my mind." She continued on to describe that it felt too frightening and embarrassing to tell her partner that she wanted him to stop joking about a subject that was sensitive to her.

Why was this? It felt too vulnerable and frightening for her to be calm and direct about the subject. When she entertained the thought of speaking to her partner calmly, she felt embarrassed and anxious.

This is a pattern that I have observed countless times. Men and women who struggle with "the anger habit" often have a very vulnerable side to their personalities. Sometimes this side is well hidden from both themselves and from the important people in their lives. In fact, anger is often a front for deeper feelings of hurt, fear, or shame.

What can help? Understanding what is going on helps. Planning out what you are going to say helps. Speaking simply helps. Practice helps. Having the support of someone who is dedicated to your growth and you well being helps. Being compassionate and patient with yourself helps too. Remember the basic frame work for any request is "would you_____" or "could you_____". If you want, you can also explain to them why what your asking for is important to you.

Anger is Contagious

This thought provoking post explains the effects of being around angry people. Nice overview of the brain and emotions.

This Simple Tool Can Make Habit Change More Successful

My counseling and therapy clients have heard me say this over and over. "Keep a written record when you are trying to change your habit and you will be much more successful". I urge clients to keep records when changing all sorts of inner and outer habits. It's very clear to me that those in my clinical practice who track their habits by recording them in writing tend to have much better therapy outcomes then those who don't. This technique benefits clients who are habitually angry, anxious, worried, depressed, as well as clients who struggle with so called "bad habits" like drinking, smoking, overspending etc.

For example, in my groups we use "anger diaries" as one of our main tools for doing what I call "breaking the anger habit. I have designed these diaries to collect certain pieces of information that are very helpful to track when you are changing chronic irritability, frustration and anger. These diaries help to systematically build awareness. This is important because it is our brain's tendency to go on "auto" that keeps any habit in place.

For example, you may have seen in this weeks news the coverage about dieting, weight loss and recording food intake. If not, here is a link

How Therapy Changes Your Brain

There is an interesting article about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the May 2008 edition of Psychiatry News. It describes the findings of a recent study that was performed at UC San Diego. Researchers reviewed P.E.T. scans comparing the brain functioning of a group of patients who had undergone intensive cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) treatment for obsessive compulsive disorder. Scientist found that there were notable structural changes in the brain functioning of the patient who received intensive cbt as compared to the control group who received none. These changed were evident in as little as four weeks. In the article, they describe changes in the thalamus and the frontal cortex, two regions that are involved in the regulation of negative emotion.

Find out more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in San Francisco and San Mateo.

This current workplace trend could be making you less effective and maybe more angry!

Today's Consumer's Reports has an article about multi-tasking and it's detrimental effects on performance. The article states that research done by the Federal Aviation Administration indicates that whn you multi-task, it take two to four times the amount of time required to complete that task. This is pretty interesting given that many job applicants seeking employment in the typical high- octane Bay Area workplace will feature this quality on their resume!

In my counseling and psychotherapy practice I specialize in teaching people the key skills they need to manage their anger. Probably most of my clients would describe themselves as "high achievers who are excellent multi-taskers. So here is my tip of the day; if you want to become more effective and more calm, do one thing at a time! This simple and effective practice has the potential to dramatically cut your stress level. So, when you're typing a report, turn off your Blackberry! When you are talking on the phone, close or minimize your e-mail program. Next time you are driving down the freeway, turn off your cell. You may be suprised how better this make you feel, how many fewer mistakes you make, and how this lowers your stress level.

If you'd like more free tips on managing anger, anxiety, and depression visit my San Francisco and San Mateo Counseling website.

"A Hostile Heart is a Vulnerable Heart"

This article explains the research indicating that chronic intense anger increases your risk of heart disease and stroke dramatically. I love the subheading. "A Hostile Heart is a Vulnerable Heart."
http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/2006/09.21/01-anger.html

For those of you who are interested, here is a fascinating article on anger in the Irish workplace. It seems that U.S. workers are not the only ones who are having trouble keeping their cool. The article stunned me when it stated that a recent survey found that 68 percent of the respondents described yelling and verbal abuse to be a "common practice" in the office. And I thought that the stories I hear from the San Francisco Bay Area were extreme! You can read the entire article here:

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/are-you-a-good-anger-manager-1341225.html