"I just freeze when I have to ask for something I really, really want"

Alice (not her real name) said this to me in the middle of a psychotherapy session. It was shocking to hear this because this woman is known for her ability to say what is on her mind. In fact, I would bet good money that her friends and colleagues view her as a force to be reckoned with. In her profession, she is known as both a formidable opponent and a highly capable team member. At this point in her treatment, she was working on getting over feelings of chronic anger and frustration.

She continued to speak. "I can threaten, I can lecture, I can make sarcastic comments, but I just can't tell him what is really on my mind." She continued on to describe that it felt too frightening and embarrassing to tell her partner that she wanted him to stop joking about a subject that was sensitive to her.

Why was this? It felt too vulnerable and frightening for her to be calm and direct about the subject. When she entertained the thought of speaking to her partner calmly, she felt embarrassed and anxious.

This is a pattern that I have observed countless times. Men and women who struggle with "the anger habit" often have a very vulnerable side to their personalities. Sometimes this side is well hidden from both themselves and from the important people in their lives. In fact, anger is often a front for deeper feelings of hurt, fear, or shame.

What can help? Understanding what is going on helps. Planning out what you are going to say helps. Speaking simply helps. Practice helps. Having the support of someone who is dedicated to your growth and you well being helps. Being compassionate and patient with yourself helps too. Remember the basic frame work for any request is "would you_____" or "could you_____". If you want, you can also explain to them why what your asking for is important to you.

Anger is Contagious

This thought provoking post explains the effects of being around angry people. Nice overview of the brain and emotions.

This Simple Tool Can Make Habit Change More Successful

My counseling and therapy clients have heard me say this over and over. "Keep a written record when you are trying to change your habit and you will be much more successful". I urge clients to keep records when changing all sorts of inner and outer habits. It's very clear to me that those in my clinical practice who track their habits by recording them in writing tend to have much better therapy outcomes then those who don't. This technique benefits clients who are habitually angry, anxious, worried, depressed, as well as clients who struggle with so called "bad habits" like drinking, smoking, overspending etc.

For example, in my groups we use "anger diaries" as one of our main tools for doing what I call "breaking the anger habit. I have designed these diaries to collect certain pieces of information that are very helpful to track when you are changing chronic irritability, frustration and anger. These diaries help to systematically build awareness. This is important because it is our brain's tendency to go on "auto" that keeps any habit in place.

For example, you may have seen in this weeks news the coverage about dieting, weight loss and recording food intake. If not, here is a link