I hope you like it!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
New Anxiety Counseling Site
I love counseling and helping people with anger management. I'm excited to announce that my new site is up and running! It's devoted to Anxiety Counseling in San Francisco and San Mateo
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Anger Management: Dealing with an angry child
I was recently interviewed for an article. I hope you find it helpful!
Here is the link: Dealing with an angry child
If you are interested in the topic of anger management and children, you might also give this a read
Monday, October 25, 2010
Anger Management vs. Violence Management
Today I read this awful article about an anger management group in Washington.
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2010/10/16/Stabbing-charged-in-anger-management-class/UPI-61131287266633/
It made me think more about the stigma that surround the term "anger management"
For years, I've wrested with the idea of a calling my my groups by a different name. I describe them to colleagues as "Anger Skills Groups". Most people think of them as anger management groups. Many people are suprised when they learn that most of the men and women in my groups are don't have reputations for being angry. In fact, they often talk about how shocked their friends are to learn that they are in an "anger management group". The anger and frustration that shows up in their primary relationships does not arise in their social or work relationships. The anger that men and women in my groups have is sometimes not obvious
I've considered re-naming the groups because the term "anger management" has such a bad connotation. Several times per week, I get calls from men and women who tell me that they really want to join one of my groups, but they are scared about who they might encounter in them. In fact, I would predict that it is one of the biggest obstacles to getting help with this issue. It's made worse by the fact that most court ordered violence treatment is misnamed and called "anger management". People who assault others are sent to anger management. People who abuse their children are sent to anger management. People who have serious drug and alcohol addictions are sent to anger management groups. People who have are chronically domestically violent are sent to anger management. So are people with chronic mental illnesses.
One sad part about this is this: lot's of other people need help with their anger. This includes many who may not have trouble obeying the law, but they feel anger with too much intensity or too much frequency. Often they don't seek help because of the stigma.
It made me think more about the stigma that surround the term "anger management"
For years, I've wrested with the idea of a calling my my groups by a different name. I describe them to colleagues as "Anger Skills Groups". Most people think of them as anger management groups. Many people are suprised when they learn that most of the men and women in my groups are don't have reputations for being angry. In fact, they often talk about how shocked their friends are to learn that they are in an "anger management group". The anger and frustration that shows up in their primary relationships does not arise in their social or work relationships. The anger that men and women in my groups have is sometimes not obvious
I've considered re-naming the groups because the term "anger management" has such a bad connotation. Several times per week, I get calls from men and women who tell me that they really want to join one of my groups, but they are scared about who they might encounter in them. In fact, I would predict that it is one of the biggest obstacles to getting help with this issue. It's made worse by the fact that most court ordered violence treatment is misnamed and called "anger management". People who assault others are sent to anger management. People who abuse their children are sent to anger management. People who have serious drug and alcohol addictions are sent to anger management groups. People who have are chronically domestically violent are sent to anger management. So are people with chronic mental illnesses.
One sad part about this is this: lot's of other people need help with their anger. This includes many who may not have trouble obeying the law, but they feel anger with too much intensity or too much frequency. Often they don't seek help because of the stigma.
Do you have any thoughts on this? I'd love to hear them.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Joyful and Peaceful Holidays
This Holiday Season Control Your Anger and Stress.
Holiday Season is upon us. For many of us, that means higher stress levels. There are obligations to family and friends. There may be travel plans on your calendar and all sorts of changes in your routine. Add the current financial crisis to the mix and even those with the most easygoing temperaments might have some trouble keeping their cool.
Here are some ideas that will help.
1. Be proactive in your self care. Plan ahead so you don’t have to scramble around. Get plenty of rest and exercise. Plan breaks, recreation, workouts, meditation and alone time. You get to enjoy the holidays too!
2. Practice tolerance. Make a decision to “not get into” the same old differences that can spark conflict amongst family and friends
3. Stay out of as many stores as you can. Need I say more?
4. Reduce your shopping list. Overspending is just going to increase your stress.
5. Order online. You don’t have to deal with crowds or lines and you can be comfortable while you shop.
6. Give donations to charities instead of more “things” to people that really don’t need them.
7. Limit your exposure to the news. It will keep you scared and make you overlook all the things that are actually going alright.
8. Go back to basics. What is important is enjoying the holidays. Spending quality time with people doesn’t have to cost a dime or be complicated. Time spent at the park, having a cookie baking party or getting together for a dvd party might be worth a lot more than giving someone another sweater they will never wear.
9. Don’t get obsessed with making the holidays perfect. There’s a lot to be said for having “nice” holidays.
Happiest Holiday’s to You and Yours!
Holiday Season is upon us. For many of us, that means higher stress levels. There are obligations to family and friends. There may be travel plans on your calendar and all sorts of changes in your routine. Add the current financial crisis to the mix and even those with the most easygoing temperaments might have some trouble keeping their cool.
Here are some ideas that will help.
1. Be proactive in your self care. Plan ahead so you don’t have to scramble around. Get plenty of rest and exercise. Plan breaks, recreation, workouts, meditation and alone time. You get to enjoy the holidays too!
2. Practice tolerance. Make a decision to “not get into” the same old differences that can spark conflict amongst family and friends
3. Stay out of as many stores as you can. Need I say more?
4. Reduce your shopping list. Overspending is just going to increase your stress.
5. Order online. You don’t have to deal with crowds or lines and you can be comfortable while you shop.
6. Give donations to charities instead of more “things” to people that really don’t need them.
7. Limit your exposure to the news. It will keep you scared and make you overlook all the things that are actually going alright.
8. Go back to basics. What is important is enjoying the holidays. Spending quality time with people doesn’t have to cost a dime or be complicated. Time spent at the park, having a cookie baking party or getting together for a dvd party might be worth a lot more than giving someone another sweater they will never wear.
9. Don’t get obsessed with making the holidays perfect. There’s a lot to be said for having “nice” holidays.
Happiest Holiday’s to You and Yours!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Which Intentions Steer Your Relationship
Bob and Linda came to me for help with their relationship. “Here is the problem. We have stopped arguing all the time, but we’ve also stopped talking; really talking.” For the last few months, their intention was to avoid fighting. They had done this well. Therapy was helping them
Over the previous months, this couple had worked hard with me in counseling to learn the skills that they needed to put on the brakes when they were headed for a crash. They no longer yelled at each other, they no longer bickered. They knew when they were on their way toward trouble and they have become very good at avoiding it.
The couple had a very common relationship obstacle. The problem was that that was that all they could do was “not fight”. A key skill was missing from their relationship. They were missing the ability to repair their bond and this missing capacity was creating a disconnection between them.
Every couple will have moments of friction. There will be squabbles, disagreements, and misunderstandings. What makes certain relationships successful is that each person has the “right intention”. Even though each partner is frustrated or hurt, they still treat the other person as if they are valuable and important. They seek to understand their partner.
What to do? Contemplate your intention. If you have a similar problem with your partner, it’s likely that there has been an ongoing pattern of attack and defense. One good starting place for building a stronger, closer relationship is by reflecting on your role and your goal. Ask yourself the following question, “Am I curious about and accepting of my partner’s experience in this relationship?” If the answer is no, you have some personal work to do.
As a therapist, I have noticed something with the couples that I have helped. As their relationship becomes healthy and stronger, they become more curious and accepting of each other. Their intention shifts from a negative one to a positive one. They stop discussing things while holding any of the following destructive agendas. They are not talking just to vent. They are not trying to change their partner. They are not correcting them. They are not punishing them. What they are doing is inquiring about their mate’s emotional experience and attending to that.
The good news is that these are skills that can be learned. You can learn to ask you partner about their thoughts and feelings in ways that make them likely to confide in you. You can try to understand how your partner is viewing things and what things mean to them. Most importantly, you can learn to deeply consider your partner and his or her needs.
Over the previous months, this couple had worked hard with me in counseling to learn the skills that they needed to put on the brakes when they were headed for a crash. They no longer yelled at each other, they no longer bickered. They knew when they were on their way toward trouble and they have become very good at avoiding it.
The couple had a very common relationship obstacle. The problem was that that was that all they could do was “not fight”. A key skill was missing from their relationship. They were missing the ability to repair their bond and this missing capacity was creating a disconnection between them.
Every couple will have moments of friction. There will be squabbles, disagreements, and misunderstandings. What makes certain relationships successful is that each person has the “right intention”. Even though each partner is frustrated or hurt, they still treat the other person as if they are valuable and important. They seek to understand their partner.
What to do? Contemplate your intention. If you have a similar problem with your partner, it’s likely that there has been an ongoing pattern of attack and defense. One good starting place for building a stronger, closer relationship is by reflecting on your role and your goal. Ask yourself the following question, “Am I curious about and accepting of my partner’s experience in this relationship?” If the answer is no, you have some personal work to do.
As a therapist, I have noticed something with the couples that I have helped. As their relationship becomes healthy and stronger, they become more curious and accepting of each other. Their intention shifts from a negative one to a positive one. They stop discussing things while holding any of the following destructive agendas. They are not talking just to vent. They are not trying to change their partner. They are not correcting them. They are not punishing them. What they are doing is inquiring about their mate’s emotional experience and attending to that.
The good news is that these are skills that can be learned. You can learn to ask you partner about their thoughts and feelings in ways that make them likely to confide in you. You can try to understand how your partner is viewing things and what things mean to them. Most importantly, you can learn to deeply consider your partner and his or her needs.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
How do we know if anger is a problem or not?
Tina (not her real name) sat down on the sofa in my office. "Something has really been on my mind lately. I know I feel pretty mad sometimes, but I don't think it's a problem." I asked her to tell me more. She continued. "Everyone has told me for years that I should do something about my anger, but I never really listened to them. I didn't even consider it because I just thought they were wrong. But now I'm wondering. Do you think I have anger management problems?"
The question that Tina asked is a surprisingly common one. After years of running anger management groups I've come to realize that often the habitually angry person is the last person to even consider that they "have an anger problem". Sometimes clients join my workshops, or come to individual counseling and are unsure about whether they really have a problem or not. They are unsure of what that means.
Why does this happen? I think there are several reasons. First, many people tell me that they considered doing something about their chronic frustration, but felt too embarrassed. This is often made worse when, as if it were a weapon, friends and family members hurl at them the suggestion that they seek some help . Second, people with chronic anger can tend to blame others for their feelings. They don't really consider their reaction as the problem. Third, they try to figure out if they are "normal". They think of the worst offenders and say "I'm not like that, so it mustn't really be an issue".
That being said, how did I respond to Tina? What tools could I give her to help her decide? "I encourage you to think about three things. Frequency, impact and intensity. If you are getting angry too often, if you are harming your relationships or your career, or if you find yourself reacting too strongly to things that really don't mean much in the big picture, then you might start thinking about changing it. "
Getting mad and frustrated can become a habit. Just like any habit, it can "go on automatic pilot". This is especially true if we grew up in families where the habit was fostered. The habit can go on for years and we can be unsure about what it is costing us. The fortunate thing is, we live in a time and a place where there a plenty of resources to help us learn, grow and break old habits once and for all.
The question that Tina asked is a surprisingly common one. After years of running anger management groups I've come to realize that often the habitually angry person is the last person to even consider that they "have an anger problem". Sometimes clients join my workshops, or come to individual counseling and are unsure about whether they really have a problem or not. They are unsure of what that means.
Why does this happen? I think there are several reasons. First, many people tell me that they considered doing something about their chronic frustration, but felt too embarrassed. This is often made worse when, as if it were a weapon, friends and family members hurl at them the suggestion that they seek some help . Second, people with chronic anger can tend to blame others for their feelings. They don't really consider their reaction as the problem. Third, they try to figure out if they are "normal". They think of the worst offenders and say "I'm not like that, so it mustn't really be an issue".
That being said, how did I respond to Tina? What tools could I give her to help her decide? "I encourage you to think about three things. Frequency, impact and intensity. If you are getting angry too often, if you are harming your relationships or your career, or if you find yourself reacting too strongly to things that really don't mean much in the big picture, then you might start thinking about changing it. "
Getting mad and frustrated can become a habit. Just like any habit, it can "go on automatic pilot". This is especially true if we grew up in families where the habit was fostered. The habit can go on for years and we can be unsure about what it is costing us. The fortunate thing is, we live in a time and a place where there a plenty of resources to help us learn, grow and break old habits once and for all.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Why You Should Use Your Words
Have you ever spent time around young children? If so, then you have probably also seen them get upset, have tantrums and become overwhelmed by emotion. When this happens you may have heard their adult caretakers extol them to "use your words". It's a common expression that is used by parents, teachers and babysitters.
This article explains how "using your words" actually produces observable changes in the brain. See! Talking about your feelings helps! Read more here.
This article explains how "using your words" actually produces observable changes in the brain. See! Talking about your feelings helps! Read more here.
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