Which Intentions Steer Your Relationship

Bob and Linda came to me for help with their relationship. “Here is the problem. We have stopped arguing all the time, but we’ve also stopped talking; really talking.” For the last few months, their intention was to avoid fighting. They had done this well. Therapy was helping them

Over the previous months, this couple had worked hard with me in counseling to learn the skills that they needed to put on the brakes when they were headed for a crash. They no longer yelled at each other, they no longer bickered. They knew when they were on their way toward trouble and they have become very good at avoiding it.

The couple had a very common relationship obstacle. The problem was that that was that all they could do was “not fight”. A key skill was missing from their relationship. They were missing the ability to repair their bond and this missing capacity was creating a disconnection between them.

Every couple will have moments of friction. There will be squabbles, disagreements, and misunderstandings. What makes certain relationships successful is that each person has the “right intention”. Even though each partner is frustrated or hurt, they still treat the other person as if they are valuable and important. They seek to understand their partner.

What to do? Contemplate your intention. If you have a similar problem with your partner, it’s likely that there has been an ongoing pattern of attack and defense. One good starting place for building a stronger, closer relationship is by reflecting on your role and your goal. Ask yourself the following question, “Am I curious about and accepting of my partner’s experience in this relationship?” If the answer is no, you have some personal work to do.

As a therapist, I have noticed something with the couples that I have helped. As their relationship becomes healthy and stronger, they become more curious and accepting of each other. Their intention shifts from a negative one to a positive one. They stop discussing things while holding any of the following destructive agendas. They are not talking just to vent. They are not trying to change their partner. They are not correcting them. They are not punishing them. What they are doing is inquiring about their mate’s emotional experience and attending to that.

The good news is that these are skills that can be learned. You can learn to ask you partner about their thoughts and feelings in ways that make them likely to confide in you. You can try to understand how your partner is viewing things and what things mean to them. Most importantly, you can learn to deeply consider your partner and his or her needs.